Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Police Beat

I apologize I have not yet posted the picture of my allergic reaction to the West Nile assailant. And for those asking for wedding pictures I have not gotten those back yet either. Thank you for your interest. In other interesting news and for those of you who have been out of the BYU scene for a while let me fill you in on the latest Police Beat. That's right, BYU is a hub of suspicious activity and disorderly conduct so much so that it warrants a special section of the Daily Universe every Wednesday.

I will share with you the highlights from today's paper, my own commentary in red:


October 6th: A suspicious looking backpack and lunch box were reported to be on Maeser Hill. Police came, but they did not find anything.

Seriously? No, seriously?? No worries, there were only about four other reports in which the police arrived only to find no signs of anything suspicious. Perhaps the best was when a snake, thought to be a common garter snake, was spotted on a walk way on the south end of campus. There was no sign of the snake when police arrived. Who is calling and reporting such nonsense? Throw a rock at the snake and it'll slither back where it came from! Did you actually expect the snake to wait around until officers arrived? Glad the police are staying so busy.


October 6th: A bike was stolen from a woman at her home in Provo a few months ago. She found it at the Tanner Building and stole it back. She left a note for the thief to give her a call, but she did not receive one.

Ha, this not funny to anyone else? Why did she want the thief to call her?? I wouldn't give a thief my phone number.


October 4th: The Wyview Park apartments has ongoing criminal mischief under investigation. Someone keeps spreading things such as wet cat food, dish soap and peanut butter on people's doors using a toilet plunger.

How do they know they are using a toilet plunger?? Is the plunger left as well? Does the suspect keep buying new plungers every night?

Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Chris and I like to make up our own police beats just for fun. For example:


October 14th: A BYU student was walking home from school along 800 North. A car drove by and a passenger in the vehicle threw something out the window. The foreign projectile hit the BYU student in the face. When officers arrived on scene the car was not to be found. The missile was believed to be a Skittle. No injuries were sustained by the victim of the drive by.

Oh wait...that really happened!! Who reports a drive by Skittling??

September 5th: A student's bike was stolen from the RB bike racks. The student reportedly locked his bike up at the end of April before leaving to do summer sales in California. When the student returned to school in September the bike was not to be found.

Never mind, we don't have to make this stuff up...people are actually that stupid. This was actually from one of the newspapers as well. Yo dummy, you're bike was probably impounded by the school. You can't leave your bike for 4 months and expect it to be waiting for you when you get back!


eL said...

Those are ohhh so funny!!

sojay said...

Haha! I've been missing out by not reading The Daily Universe, clearly.

Stephanie said...

It's refreshing to know that justice will be served by the BYU security police...if they can ever catch up with them... I can't tell you how excited I was to see your new post! Keep em coming!

Annie said...


maria said...

I love the Police Beat! Our tithing dollars hard at work!

Spencer & Suzy said...

Oh dear, those were super funny when I read them to myself, but when I read the last few aloud to Spencer, I literally had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Drive by Skittling?? That's hilarious.

Jennifer said...

Hilarious. This is why it's known as 'Happy Valley', so far removed from the rest of the world, so innocent, so Mayberry.