The Mosquitoes Strike Again

This unprovoked act of criminal battery actually happened back in August. Chris and I were out for a Sunday evening stroll through the park. On our way home we were only five minutes away from the apartment when the mosquito struck. It landed square between my eyes on the delicate flat bridge of my Japanese nose before sinking it's snout (??) into my flesh and beginning to suck the life giving sweet, sweet nectar from my systemic capillaries. I realized what was happening just in time to seek my revenge on the pesky little thug by smashing his guts under the edge of my left index fingernail...but the damage had already been done.

Chris ignored my whiny complaints of an unbearable itching and rapidly swelling nose following the incident on Sunday evening. Even after documenting my slow but steady transformation into an Avatar looking creature Chris insisted the swelling would subside with the application of a small amount of topical hydrocortisone cream and claimed not to notice any deformation of my facial features.

Unfortunately I failed to document the aftermath the next morning that bore a strong resemblance to Quasimodo. When Chris woke up to my screams of horror from the bathroom the next morning he finally decided I was not being over dramatic about the situation and ran off to the drugs store at 6 am to get me Benadryl. I then proceeded to work where I got several exclamations of, "what happened to your face??", and "Is there something wrong with your nose"? This is the second allergic reaction I've had to a mosquito bite and I live in fear of a future encounter. Until then...enjoy the pictures of my afflicted state on Sunday evening entitled...Avatar. I'll also post a picture from our 1 year anniversary back in August because I've been seriously lacking in the photo department as of late and need to prove I don't normally look like an Avatar.


This was within the first hour of being bit...again no picture of the full effect.



One year anniversary!

Teaching Strategies 101

Teaching Strategies 101:

Q: What if I can't answer a students question?
A: This is an easy one, just take your pick from one of my top three responses

1. Well, you're first choice is to make something up. As the teacher you are revered as the authority and they will believe most everything you tell them. I know this because of all the myths I've debunked that were taught by other instructors. Gosh darn it's hard being the competent one :)
2. Respond with thought, intrigue, and humility. "Hmmmm, yes, well that is a very good question Tiny Tim. I actually don't know the answer. I know this may come as a surprise but I don't know all things...just most things."
3. Use scientific limitations to your advantage. "Well, you know...I don't think there is yet a scientific explanation for that. Perhaps you should pursue a doctorate and research this topic further.

Q: How can I more fully enjoy my experience as a teacher?

A: To best enjoy your teaching experience you must take full advantage of your captive audience. Following are a few examples of things I've done.

1. Make sure to share all stories and personal opinions you didn't get to share with the family over Sunday dinner last night.
2. Incorporate all gruesome pictures from your personal blog, (the ones you couldn't get your friends and family to look at) into your PowerPoint presentations.
3. Assign research articles that support your personal opinions as homework assignments.

I have run out of time today but hope you have enjoyed the brief question and answer sessions that was provided. Please feel free to submit any remaining questions in the comments section and I will do my best to reply in a timely fashion.

ml, mm, and lbs

So yeah...I started working at Eagle Gate College back in February and consequently I haven't posted since February. No time and no Internet. Anyhow, one of Chris's friends is letting us borrow his old lap top. So I'm back in business...well maybe not quite but I'll spare ten minutes today.

The skinny on the latest happenings:

Realized my degree is still almost useless...at least when it comes to making a decent dollar for my time and intellect :) (don't I sound snotty...that's right it's Master Grant to you!) So I'm investing even more into education. Don't get me wrong, but Tommy Boy had a point...when you've gone to college for seven years and don't have a doctorate of any kind to show for it, one starts to question the return on investment. Anyhow I forked out some green for a CNA course so I could prove I was competent enough to wipe butts. Really it's probably the menial smalls tasks those of us with a higher education actually struggle with...okay, no we don't.

Anyhow, CNA's are actually required to take an 80 hour certification course! Then you must pass a written exam in addition to a practical exam in which you will be asked to perform 3-4 of the 28 skills you are expected to know. Only then can you get hired for a minimum wage job feeding the elderly a food processed version of what used to be a hot dog.

If you're wondering what these 28 skills consist of let me tell you. Everything from basic hand washing to complicated unit conversion problems. For example, in the hospital things are measured in ml or cc's. 1 ounce = 30 ml, so how many ml are in 5 ounces??? Tricky huh? Yeah, so the nurse who was teaching the course gave us a little unit conversion sheet so we could practice converting ounces to ml. This proved quite the difficult task for the lady sitting next to me. After explaining to her how to do each problem she asked, "How do you know all of this stuff? Do you do this for your job?"

Um, yes lady, I convert oz to ml's all day at work! "No, no, I guess I just always liked math in high school."

Not so bright smoker face replied, "Oh. When I was in school they didn't even teach us millimeters. The only thing we had back then was pounds, and that's all we used."

Yeah, I'm guessing that is NOT true. The last time I checked milliliters weren't invented in the last twenty years! And for the record it's milliLITERS not milliMETERS. You see milliliters are a unit of volume, millimeters are a unit of length, and pounds are not a measure of either volume or length! Pounds are a measure of weight. I tried once to explain the difference between millimeters and milliliters but she just said, "oh, okay", and then kept saying millimeters. Argh!

So this is who I'm going to class with these days. These are the future nurses of America and why is it that they get paid more than me??? Okay, jk...I know several smart nurses out there and that lady doesn't have a prayer of passing her CNA exam.

So that's the skinny.

Great Give Away

Yes, I'm exploiting my blog at the chance of winning something free (really cute hand crafted baby goodness from BooBoo and Norm's). No this is no type of pregnancy announcement. But it's a really great give away for all you mom's or just other baby crazy aunts like myself. Plus my friend Sarah is like a master coupon expert...so those wanting to get into that can learn from the master. Check it all out at Sarah's blog http://licentstosave.blogspot.com/.

Good Idea Bad Idea

Well, as much as I would like to post funny stories about my job...I recently heard this big fuss over some high school student starting a Facebook hate group about a teacher. People are so dumb these days and I'm afraid to post anything that could incriminate me. Please call me for updates on the teaching. It's been quite interesting. Let me just share one small thing...

This is how one of my students spelled the word skeletal on her quiz...skelitail. Ha, ha...so funny.

Well I do have one other amusing story. Me and Chris have now been married for 6 months!! We have slowly made progress on our little apartment. We started by sleeping on an air mattress for 2 months and watching movies on my laptop. When the air mattress finally sprung a leak I gave into the idea of dropping some cash on a bed (yes, I have problems). We graduated to watching movies on our newly purchased and beloved bed. Then we finally inherited a television and now watch movies sitting on the carpet in our living room. Well, we finally got a hand-me-down sofa. This is where my story begins.

We actually had two couch offers at about the same time. A plaid green and white love seat that had the loving touch of a rambunctious two year old. It was in fairly good condition but a little bit of spilled Koolaid, a touch of Crayola, and more than a few grimy finger prints. The other a full length simple black sofa. Our first choice was the black sofa...but we were informed it may not become available until late April. After dragging my feet in the mud for a while, not bothering to ask someone if I could borrow their truck, I was forced to make a decision on the plaid love seat. Because it was free, and I wasn't given any confirmation on the black sofa, I decided I better not pass it up.

I arranged to borrow a truck from my cousin and we went and picked it up. Then I had a great idea. Chris gets the upholstery of his car cleaned annually over at the local car wash. What would be the difference in cleaning a couch?? So we drove our couch over to the car wash and asked if we could pay the same $30 fee to have the couch cleaned in the same fashion. They thought this was a strange request but consented. Well, my mark of genius soon went down hill. When we came out to view the couch, it was in a standing puddle of water. Saturated through and through! What were we to do with this sopping mess?? Where were we to put it while it dried? Not to mention it didn't really look much cleaner.

Come to find out, they decided to power spray the cushions with water! IDIOTS! This is NOT how they clean the interior of your car!!! Of course we couldn't really complain...I mean they didn't actually advertise any specialty in the cleaning of used couches. Well, we packed up our dripping mess of a couch and went home. We carted it into the communal laundry room to drip dry. Meanwhile I decided the cushions were not at all clean and began to fill my bathtub with laundry detergent. As I was up to my elbows in suds and saturated couch cushions I discovered the cushion covers simply zip off. That's right, all I had to do was zip off the covers and throw them in the washing machine! I am an IDIOT! Well, after four days of drip drying in our bath tub the cushions were finally dry. The couch frame had dried as well and the covers came out of the washing machine practically brand new!

Then no later than three days after this escapade my friend Cassie called me and told me her mother was indeed getting rid of the black sofa. IRONY. Oh well, anyone in the market for used couches please learn from my stupidity. Do not take your couch to the car wash!

What have I gotten myself into?

Okay people, my unemployment woes are lost. That's right. I am starting a new job on Monday. The very first job in my life that pays me a salary and not an hourly wage. Well, BYU paid me a salary...but it was under $20,000 a year so that doesn't count.

Say hello to the lead instructor of the Personal Fitness Trainer program at Eagle Gate College. I will be teaching two combined Anatomy/Physiology classes as well as two Exercise Physiology Classes. Please don't let me sound ungrateful but let me just make a few lists of things I am pondering.

Things I will miss about unemployment...
1. Working out, (yoga, step aerobics, etc.) in conjunction with BYU broadcasting from 8-9am.
2. Running a few errands in the morning but making it home in time for TLC's What Not to Wear at 1pm.
3. Having the option of wasting my day doing house work as an excuse to listening to Harry Potter when I'm depressed about the job market.

Things I will not miss about unemployment...
1. Trying to buy groceries on $10/week and making my husband share my deodorant when his runs out.
2. Coming up with justifications for the way I wasted a day or two.
3. Watching my husband run himself into the ground trying to pick up extra shifts at work.
4. Eating beans four out of five nights of the week because that's what's in our pantry.

Pro's about my job...
1. I get Friday's off so it's always a three day weekend!
2. It's money...and although it's not a ton it's more than I've ever made before, it will be nice to start paying off some student loans.
3. It uses my degree! I had little hope of actually using my degree post graduation.
4. I can go out to dinner and a movie with my husband...maybe not in the same weekend but we haven't done either in the past five months we've been married. (Well, Chris's parents took us out a few times when they visited...but we personally haven't been out the two of us alone on our own wallets).
5. Basically I get PAID to do homework now.

Con's about the job...
1. Basically I have to continue doing homework!
2. It's in SLC so I will be commuting
3. My schedule is pretty spaced out...8am-10am then 6pm- 10pm Monday's and Wednesday's. Yes, I will be staying the night in SLC two nights a week and missing Chris a lot.
4. Right now I'm sharing an office with my boss, a dude, a nice dude but still...weird. If I'm going to be at school for 11 hrs a day I need a little personal space please. For clarification I have my own desk and computer but it's not a separate cubicle or anything. How can I waste a little time on facebook if my boss is watching over my shoulder! That should be my right as a working professional, two fifteen minute blog/facebook/email breaks every couple hours. (Everyone pray I will be moved to my own office space!!)
5. I have to wear professional clothes, do my hair, and make up, four days a week! Kill me now.

Okay, really the Pros were supposed to out weigh the Cons...and in reality they do. The financial stress has been lifted and we are so grateful in these economic times.

Unemployed

Well folks, you've probably guessed by the title...I am unemployed. At least I'm not homeless...at least not yet. I could be if I don't find a job.

So this is my frustration. I have spent thousands of dollars and 7 years of my life pursuing my "higher" education. I now have a bachelors and master's degree but still no high paying job.

Why did everyone lie to me as a youth and tell me school was important? I'll admit that I feel I developed some skills through my education...

1. How to meet unrealistic deadlines.

• The answer is to stay up all hours of the night with a Mountain Dew Code Red and a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos

2. The influence of Cardiac Output on Oxygen Uptake Kinetics

• Please email me if you'd like to read a copy of my thesis. A very lengthy paper on a subject matter almost no body in the world know the least bit about except those 30 other authors on my reference page.

3. How to procrastinate the day of my graduation and the inevitable job search.

• I may have been made fun of as "4th" year graduate student in a 2 year program, but this was perhaps the best move I ever made! I stayed employed by the university for about $30/hr teaching people how to take power naps and touch their toes.

Okay, enough of that. But seriously I have been applying to entry level positions paying $9/hr. I made more when I graduated high school! However that's not even the worst part...I have yet to even establish an interview for any of these entry level positions.

Can I drive the point home a little more? Today I decided to apply to be a temporary US census worker. I have to take a test which asked me to alphabetize works, add numbers, and determine how many houses were on a block by looking at a very simplistic map. Yes, degrading. The worst part of this embarrassing escapade was I ran into someone I knew! A fellow BYU graduate who informs me he has been unemployed for the past year! What is up?

If you happen to have completed reading my complaints please do not tell me to pursue my PhD at this time. Although it may improve my odds at employment that's another five years of Chili Cheese Fritos and I'm not sure my body could hack it.